The “If Only” Trap: Understanding Regret as a Psychological Stuck Point
Most people can recall a moment when they have thought, “If only I had said something different.” “If only I had stayed.” “If only I had left sooner.” “If only I had made another choice.”
At first glance, these thoughts seem reasonable. Reflecting on past decisions is part of being human. Learning from experience helps us grow, adapt, and make better choices in the future. However, there is an important distinction between learning from the past and becoming psychologically trapped within it.
When regret becomes chronic, the mind can become caught in an endless loop of mentally revisiting previous events, searching for a different outcome that no longer exists. Rather than helping us move forward, this process often fuels anxiety, depression, shame, and emotional paralysis.
From both an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, the problem is not that regret exists. The problem is that we become entangled with it.
What Is the “If Only” Process?
Psychologists refer to the mental process behind regret as counterfactual thinking. Counterfactual thinking involves imagining alternatives to reality—mental simulations of what might have happened if circumstances, decisions, or actions had been different.
According to Roese (1997), counterfactual thinking is a fundamental cognitive process that helps individuals evaluate outcomes and learn from experience. In moderation, this capacity can be adaptive. If we realize that a different choice would have produced a better outcome, we may make a different choice in the future. However, when counterfactual thinking becomes repetitive and emotionally charged, it often shifts from a process of learning to a process of rumination.
Instead of asking, “What can I learn from this?”, the mind repeatedly asks, “What if I had done something differently?”
The question appears productive, but psychologically it often functions like a treadmill. Considerable mental energy is expended, yet little movement occurs.
Why Regret Feels So Convincing
One reason regret becomes so powerful is that the alternative reality we imagine is usually incomplete or not possible.
When people think, “If only I had taken that job,” they rarely imagine the possible difficulties, disappointments, or unintended consequences that may have accompanied that decision. The mind selectively constructs an idealized version of events.
This creates a painful comparison between reality and a fantasy version of the past.
The imagined reality often wins.
Unfortunately, reality can never compete with a hypothetical scenario that contains only the benefits and none of the costs.
The result is often ongoing self-criticism, guilt, and disappointment.
The Connection Between Regret, Anxiety, and Depression
Research suggests that repetitive forms of negative thinking—including rumination, worry, and persistent mental revisiting of past events—are strongly associated with anxiety and depression.
In a large longitudinal study, Spinhoven et al. (2018) found that repetitive negative thinking predicted the severity, persistence, and recurrence of both depressive and anxiety symptoms over time. Rather than simply being a symptom of emotional distress, repetitive negative thinking appeared to function as a significant maintaining factor.
Similarly, Drost et al. (2014) found that worry and rumination served as transdiagnostic processes linking anxiety and depressive disorders. Their findings suggested that repetitive negative thinking helps explain why anxiety and depression frequently co-occur.
From a clinical perspective, this makes intuitive sense. The anxious mind tends to ask, “What if something bad happens?” The depressed mind often asks, “If only something different had happened.” Both involve mentally leaving the present moment and becoming absorbed in imagined realities.
One is future-focused.
The other is past-focused.
Yet both can pull people away from effective action in the present.
When Regret Stops Being Helpful
Regret becomes problematic when it shifts from a learning process to an identity process.
Rather than thinking, “I made a mistake,” people begin thinking, “I am a mistake.”
The focus moves away from behaviour and toward self-worth.
At this point, regret often becomes intertwined with shame.
The individual may repeatedly revisit old decisions not because new information is being gained, but because part of them is still trying to obtain certainty, control, forgiveness, or resolution.
Unfortunately, the past cannot provide these things.
No amount of mental replay can alter an event that has already occurred.
This is often the moment when people feel profoundly stuck.
An ACT Perspective: Defusing From the Story
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy views suffering as emerging largely from cognitive fusion—becoming so entangled with thoughts that we experience them as literal truths rather than mental events (Hayes et al., 2016).
When someone is fused with regret, the thought “If only I had done things differently” does not feel like a thought. It feels like reality.
ACT invites people to step back and notice the process occurring.
Rather than saying, “I ruined everything,” they might learn to observe, “I am having the thought that I ruined everything.”
This subtle shift towards defusion creates psychological distance.
The goal is not to convince ourselves that everything is fine or that mistakes do not matter. Instead, the goal is to recognize that thoughts are experiences occurring within the mind—not objective facts that must dictate our behaviour.
ACT also emphasizes reconnecting with values. A useful question becomes:
“Given what happened, what kind of person do I want to be now?”
The past may be fixed.
The future is not.
When people redirect energy from mentally undoing the past toward living according to their values in the present, psychological flexibility often increases (Hayes et al., 2016).
An IFS Perspective: Meeting the Part That Cannot Let Go
IFS offers another valuable lens for understanding regret.
Rather than viewing regret as a problem to eliminate, IFS encourages curiosity about the parts of ourselves carrying the burden.
Often, a regretful part is trying to help.
For example, a person might discover:
* A guilt-ridden part that believes constant self-punishment will prevent future mistakes.
* A perfectionistic part that refuses to accept imperfection.
* A fearful part that believes replaying the past will somehow protect against future pain.
* A grieving part that has not yet fully mourned a loss.
From an IFS perspective, these parts are not enemies. They are protectors operating from outdated assumptions (Schwartz, 2021).
The task is not to silence them but to understand them.
When individuals approach these parts from a place of Self-energy—characterized by curiosity, compassion, calmness, and clarity—they often discover that the regretful part is carrying a burden it was never meant to hold indefinitely.
Moving Forward Without Erasing the Past
Many people believe healing means no longer feeling regret.
In reality, healing often means no longer being governed by regret.
The goal is not to prove that past decisions were perfect.
The goal is to stop treating the past as a problem that can still be solved.
There may always be moments when the mind whispers, “If only.”
The question is whether we must follow it.
When we learn to notice the story, understand the parts carrying it, and return our attention to the life unfolding in front of us, regret loses its role as a prison and becomes what it was always meant to be: a teacher.
Ready to Move Beyond Regret?
If you find yourself repeatedly caught in “if only” thoughts, you do not have to navigate them alone. Therapy can help you understand the patterns keeping you stuck, develop a more compassionate relationship with yourself, and reconnect with the life you want to live in the present.
Whether you are struggling with regret, anxiety, depression, or unresolved grief, support is available. Contact us today to learn how evidence-based approaches such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help you move forward with greater clarity, self-compassion, and confidence.
References
Drost, J., van der Does, W., van Hemert, A. M., Penninx, B. W. J. H., & Spinhoven, P. (2014). Repetitive negative thinking as a transdiagnostic factor in depression and anxiety. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 63, 177–183.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2016). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Roese, N. J. (1997). Counterfactual thinking. Psychological Bulletin, 121(1), 133–148.
Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the Internal Family Systems model. Sounds True.
Spinhoven, P., van Hemert, A. M., & Penninx, B. W. J. H. (2018). Repetitive negative thinking as a predictor of depression and anxiety: A longitudinal cohort study. Journal of Affective Disorders, 241, 216–225.
Prepared by Dr. Jennifer Barbera, PhD, Registered Psychologist
Dr. Jennifer Barbera PhD, C. Psych is a licensed psychologist with over 25 years of counselling experience. She has extensive clinical expertise supporting individuals and couples with anxiety, trauma, depression, addiction, and relationship challenges. Her work combines evidence-based approaches with practical strategies to help clients build resilience and improve well-being.
