Internal conflicts between parts of self can drain energy and keep people stuck. Learn how IFS and EFT understand and resolve these inner polarities.
Internal Conflicts Between Parts of Self
Many people come to therapy saying, “Part of me wants to change, but part of me doesn’t,” or “I know what I should do, but I can’t make myself do it.” These experiences are not signs of weakness or lack of insight. They are signs of internal conflict between parts of self—a normal and deeply human phenomenon that psychology has long recognized.
When inner conflicts remain unresolved, they quietly consume emotional energy, create distress, and keep people stuck in repetitive patterns. Understanding these conflicts through structured models like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and ego state therapy offers a powerful path toward clarity and integration.
What Do We Mean by “Parts of Self”?
Rather than viewing the mind as a single, unified voice, parts-based approaches understand the psyche as made up of different states, roles, or parts, each with its own perspective, emotions, and motivations. These parts developed for good reasons—often to protect us, help us adapt, or manage pain.
At any given moment, different parts may want very different things. Problems arise not because parts exist, but because they are in conflict with one another.
Internal Conflict Through an IFS Lens
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy describes parts as belonging to categories such as protectors (managers and firefighters) and exiles (parts carrying pain, shame, or fear). At the core is the Self—a calm, compassionate, and grounded state that can lead the system.
From an IFS perspective, internal conflict happens when protector parts have opposing goals. For example:
• One part pushes you to work harder and be productive to avoid criticism.
• Another part urges withdrawal, rest, or avoidance to prevent burnout or failure.
Each part believes it is acting in your best interest, yet they pull in opposite directions. This opposition creates a polarity, where parts become more extreme the more they feel threatened by one another.
Internal Conflict Through an Ego State Lens
Ego state therapy similarly understands the personality as made up of distinct self-states, often formed in response to developmental experiences or relational environments. Each ego state holds specific emotions, beliefs, memories, and behavioural tendencies.
From this lens, conflict occurs when:
• A competent adult ego state wants to take a healthy risk.
• A younger, vulnerable ego state fears rejection and urges retreat.
These states may not be fully aware of each other, leading to sudden shifts in mood, motivation, or behaviour. Therapy helps bring these ego states into awareness and communication rather than allowing them to compete for control.
How Inner Conflicts Show Up in Daily Life
Internal conflicts can be subtle or overt, emotional or behavioural. Common examples include:
• Wanting closeness in relationships while simultaneously pushing people away
• Feeling driven to achieve while also feeling exhausted and resentful
• Committing to change (therapy, exercise, boundaries) and then sabotaging it
• Knowing a relationship is unhealthy yet feeling unable to leave
• Oscillating between self-criticism and self-protection
These conflicts often create shame because people interpret them as personal failures rather than unresolved internal polarities.
Polarity and the Cost of Divided Energy
When parts of self are locked in opposition, the system expends enormous energy managing the tension. This is why people often feel:
• Emotionally drained
• Stuck or immobilized
• Chronically anxious or overwhelmed
• Mentally preoccupied or conflicted
In parts-based therapy, this energetic standoff is called a polarity. The goal is not to eliminate parts, but to soften extremes and help parts understand each other’s protective intentions.
How IFS Helps Resolve Inner Conflicts
IFS therapy works by helping clients access Self energy and build relationships with their parts. Rather than choosing one side of the conflict, the therapist supports:
• Identifying each part involved in the polarity
• Understanding each part’s fears, beliefs, and goals
• Reducing reactivity between parts
• Creating internal cooperation rather than opposition
One technique used is dialoguing between parts of self, where attention shifts intentionally between parts so each can speak, be heard, and respond. As parts feel understood and validated, they naturally relax their extreme positions.
How EFT and Two-Chair Work Support Integration
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), particularly when working with individuals, also addresses internal conflict through experiential methods. Two-chair work is a powerful technique in which conflicting parts are given literal or symbolic space to express themselves.
In two-chair work:
• One chair represents one part (for example, the critic or protector)
• The other chair represents the opposing part (such as the vulnerable or longing self)
• The client moves between chairs, voicing each part’s experience
This process externalizes the conflict, slows it down, and allows emotional truths to emerge. Over time, the parts often soften, recognize shared goals, and move toward integration rather than dominance.
Why Resolving Inner Conflict Matters
When internal conflicts resolve, people often report:
• Increased clarity and decisiveness
• Reduced self-criticism and internal pressure
• More emotional energy and motivation
• Greater self-compassion
• A stronger sense of internal alignment
Instead of fighting themselves, they begin to feel internally supported.
Moving Toward Internal Harmony
Internal conflict is not a flaw—it is a signal that important parts of you are trying to protect something that matters. With the right therapeutic approach, these conflicts can become gateways to deeper self-understanding and lasting change.
If you recognize these patterns in yourself, we invite you to contact us today to explore how parts-based therapy can help you move from inner struggle to inner coherence.
