Relationship ambivalence—uncertainty about whether to stay in or leave a relationship—is a common reason people seek therapy or couples counselling. While it’s normal for occasional doubts to arise in any partnership, persistent uncertainty can cause significant stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil. Except in cases involving abuse or violence, there is rarely a straightforward answer about what will make someone happiest.
If you’re struggling to decide whether to stay or leave, consider reflecting on the following key questions.
1. Are You Seriously Questioning the Relationship?
If you find yourself consistently doubting whether to continue your relationship, this may be a red flag. While some self-doubt is normal, persistent uncertainty often signals that it’s time to step back and carefully evaluate the relationship.
2. Has There Been Any Physical Violence?
Safety is paramount. If there has ever been physical violence in your relationship, leaving is often the safest and healthiest option. Your wellbeing should always come first.
3. How Does the Relationship Make You Feel?
Consider your emotional state within the relationship. Do you frequently feel hurt, stressed, anxious, or torn? Regular negative emotions may indicate that the relationship is no longer meeting your needs.
4. Are There Unresolvable Differences in Values or Lifestyles?
Some differences in a relationship are natural, but persistent, significant conflicts in values or lifestyle preferences can be challenging to overcome. If you and your partner continually disagree on fundamental issues, it may be a sign that leaving could increase your long-term happiness.
5. Reflect on the Best Times in Your Relationship
Think back to the happiest moments in your relationship. Were you truly content and fulfilled? If those moments were fleeting or unsatisfying, it may suggest that the relationship isn’t bringing you long-term joy.
6. Have You Tried to Resolve Differences?
Consider whether you have made a genuine effort to address conflicts. Have you tried calm, neutral discussions, or sought professional support through couples counselling? If you’ve attempted solutions and still feel uncertain or unhappy, it could indicate that leaving may be the healthier choice.
7. What Do Your Close Friends and Family Think?
While your decisions should ultimately be your own, input from trusted friends and family can provide an unbiased perspective. People who care about you may notice patterns or behaviours that you might be too close to see clearly.
Even after reflecting on these questions, you may still feel ambivalent. Here are strategies to manage indecision:
1. Rate Your Level of Ambivalence
Assign percentages to your feelings (e.g., 60% want to stay, 40% want to leave). Tracking these over time can help clarify trends in your feelings and guide your decision.
2. Set a Timeline
Give yourself a clear timeframe to decide—two months, six months, or a year. This reduces daily stress and creates a structured approach to making your choice.
3. Consider Therapy or Counselling
A therapist can help you explore underlying factors influencing your ambivalence. Beyond talking, techniques such as two-chair work, parts dialogue, or EMDR can help you process emotions and gain clarity. Professional guidance often accelerates insight and decision-making.
Sometimes couples seek out counselling to explore their indecision together.
4. Use Relationship Decision Resources
Read Books and structured guides can provide additional frameworks to help you clarify your thoughts:
• Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum (1997)
• Stay or Leave? Six Steps to Resolving Your Relationship Indecision by Beverley Stone (2012)
Read one of our other blog posts on Relationship Ambivalence.
Final Thoughts
Feeling uncertain about a relationship is normal, but prolonged ambivalence can impact your mental health and quality of life. By reflecting honestly, seeking support, and using structured approaches to decision-making, you can gain clarity and confidence about whether to stay or leave.
If you are struggling with relationship indecision and want professional guidance, contact us today to explore your feelings and options in a safe, supportive environment.
