Complicated Grief: When Loss Doesn’t Soften With Time—and How Therapy Can Help
Grief is a natural response to loss. For many people, grief gradually changes over time—becoming less consuming, even as love and longing remain. For others, the pain of loss stays intense and life-altering long after others expect it to ease. When grief remains overwhelming and interferes with daily life, it may be understood as complicated grief.
Complicated grief is not a failure to “move on.” It reflects how deeply a loss has disrupted a person’s emotional world, sense of safety, and attachment bonds.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the emotional, physical, and psychological response to losing someone or something meaningful. It may include:
• Deep sadness, yearning, or longing
• Anger, guilt, or regret
• Shock, disbelief, or emotional numbness
• Changes in sleep, appetite, or energy
• Waves of emotion that rise and fall over time
Grief is not linear. Most people find that, with time, grief becomes more integrated, allowing moments of connection, meaning, and engagement with life to return.
What Is Complicated Grief?
Complicated grief (also called prolonged or persistent grief) occurs when the natural grieving process becomes stalled or intensified rather than gradually transforming.
Complicated grief may involve:
• Persistent, intense longing for the person who died
• Difficulty accepting the reality of the loss
• A sense that life feels empty or meaningless
• Avoidance of reminders of the loss—or constant immersion in them
• Strong guilt, anger, or self-blame
• Feeling that part of one’s identity died with the loved one
Rather than softening, grief remains dominant and continues to interfere with daily functioning and relationships.
Regular Grief vs. Complicated Grief: Key Differences
Integrated (Typical) Grief
• Pain fluctuates and gradually becomes more manageable
• The person can experience moments of relief or connection
• Life slowly expands again alongside grief
• The loss becomes part of one’s ongoing story
Complicated Grief
• Grief remains intense and unrelenting
• Life feels frozen or narrowly focused on the loss
• The death feels unreal or unbearable
• Identity, attachment, and emotional safety feel deeply disrupted
The difference is not about how much someone loved—it reflects how the attachment system is responding to loss.
Why Complicated Grief Develops
Complicated grief is more likely when the loss is:
• Sudden, traumatic, or unexpected
• Related to accident, violence, or medical crisis
• Associated with unresolved conflict or guilt
• Occurring in the context of prior trauma or attachment wounds
• Involving a primary attachment figure or source of safety
When attachment bonds are abruptly broken, the nervous system may remain oriented toward reunion, making acceptance feel impossible.
Grief and the Attachment System
From an attachment-informed perspective, grief activates the same systems that regulate closeness, safety, and emotional bonding. In complicated grief, this system remains highly activated, leading to ongoing protest, longing, or despair.
This may show up as:
• A persistent sense of separation distress
• Difficulty feeling emotionally grounded or secure
• Fear of further loss or emotional closeness
• Withdrawal or heightened dependency in relationships
Understanding grief as an attachment response helps reduce shame and self-judgment.
Treatment Approaches for Complicated Grief
Effective therapy for complicated grief focuses on honouring the attachment bond, processing the pain of loss, and supporting the nervous system in adapting to a changed reality.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Therapy is particularly well suited for grief because it is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on emotional safety and connection.
In grief work, EFT helps individuals:
• Identify and access core emotions beneath numbness, anger, or withdrawal
• Understand grief as an attachment injury rather than a weakness
• Express unmet needs for comfort, closeness, and reassurance
• Reorganize internal attachment patterns following loss
EFT supports the grieving person in moving from emotional isolation toward self-soothing, connection, and secure internal bonds.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
IFS complements EFT by helping individuals relate compassionately to the different parts of themselves affected by grief.
For example:
• A part that clings to the deceased to avoid unbearable pain
• A part that feels responsible or guilty for the loss
• A part that shuts down to survive overwhelming emotion
IFS therapy allows these parts to be seen, understood, and supported, reducing internal conflict and creating space for healing.
EMDR for Grief-Related Trauma
When grief is complicated by traumatic circumstances, EMDR can help process distressing memories connected to the loss.
EMDR may target:
• Traumatic images or moments related to the death
• Feelings of helplessness or horror
• Negative beliefs such as “I failed them” or “I should have prevented this”
By reprocessing these experiences, EMDR helps reduce emotional intensity and supports the integration of grief.
ACT-Informed Approaches
ACT helps individuals learn how to carry grief while continuing to live a meaningful life.
ACT supports:
• Making space for painful emotions without avoidance
• Reducing struggle with grief-related thoughts
• Reconnecting with values, purpose, and connection
• Living in ways that honours the bond rather than forgetting it
The goal is not to eliminate grief, but to change one’s relationship to it to help reduce suffering.
What Healing from Complicated Grief Looks Like
Healing does not mean forgetting or “letting go” of love. It often involves:
• Accepting the reality of the loss
• Holding grief with compassion rather than fear
• Feeling connected to the deceased in new ways
• Reclaiming identity, meaning, and emotional safety
Grief becomes something that can be carried alongside life, rather than overwhelming you.
A Final Reflection
If your grief feels endless or isolating, you are not broken. Complicated grief reflects the depth of attachment and the impact of loss on your emotional world. With compassionate, attachment-informed support, it is possible to find space for both grief and continued living.
You do not have to navigate this alone. Connect with us today.
