A Series on Improving Your Relationship – Part 2B
Struggling with avoidance, overthinking, or emotional distance in your relationship? Learn psychologist-approved strategies to build lasting connection.
In Part 2A, we explored how disconnection and reactivity quietly erode relationships—and what actions help restore closeness.
In this post, we’ll address the remaining DRAIN factors:
• Avoidance
• Inside Your Mind
• Neglecting Your Values
Avoidance: When Discomfort Drives Distance
Avoidance—also known as experiential avoidance—occurs when we try to escape unpleasant thoughts, feelings, or conversations.
Common avoidance behaviours include:
• Numbing with alcohol or substances
• Overworking or excessive busyness
• Constant distraction (TV, devices)
• Avoiding difficult conversations
While avoidance may bring short-term relief, it often damages intimacy and trust over time.
Five Ways to Reduce Avoidance
1. Make peace with emotions
Emotions—even uncomfortable ones—carry important information. Trying to eliminate them creates more problems.
2. Practise self-compassion
When distress arises, imagine a compassionate figure offering comfort.
3. Use the river metaphor
Avoidance flows with the current. Change requires swimming against it—toward discomfort and growth.
4. Address avoided conversations
Choose a neutral time. Speak from your feelings. Focus on what you are willing to do.
5. Seek professional support
If avoidance feels entrenched, therapy can help you move forward safely.
Inside Your Mind: Managing Relationship Overthinking
Our minds never stop talking—and relationships are prime targets.
Unchecked mental chatter can replay past hurts, magnify flaws, and increase dissatisfaction.
How to Unhook from Negative Thoughts
1. Notice your thoughts
Awareness creates distance and reduces their emotional impact.
2. See thoughts as “hooks”
You can choose whether to get hooked or redirect your attention.
3. Schedule worry time
Set aside a specific time to reflect. Remind yourself you’ll return to it later.
4. Practise radical acceptance
Acceptance reduces frustration in the moment—without giving up problem-solving later.
Neglecting Values: Becoming the Partner You Want to Be
Values reflect who you want to be, especially under stress.
Most people want to be:
• Caring
• Trustworthy
• Kind
• Loving
Yet during conflict, behaviour often shifts toward resentment or withdrawal.
Aligning Actions with Your Values
1. Notice emotional hooks and choose actions aligned with your values.
2. Swim against old patterns using the river metaphor.
3. Accept imperfection—growth happens through challenges.
4. Take daily value-based actions, such as expressing appreciation.
5. Focus on what you control: your behaviour.
6. Seek couples therapy early, not at crisis point.
Final Thoughts To Improve Your Relationship
Strong relationships are built through consistent, value-driven actions, not perfection.
Being proactive strengthens connection, prevents crisis, and supports the meaningful, lasting relationships we all deserve.
Feel free to reach out at any time to work on strengthening your relationship.
Reference
Harris, R. (2009). ACT With Love. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
By Clinical Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Barbera, PhD
