Why Break-Ups Are So Painful and How to Cope
Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Barbera explains why break-ups can be emotionally devastating and shares strategies to cope and move forward.
The end of a relationship can be deeply painful, leaving many people feeling heartbroken, anxious, or emotionally distressed. It’s common to experience sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, and overwhelming sadness after a breakup.
People cope in different ways. Some become withdrawn, depressed, or shut down, while others keep themselves constantly busy. Many try to numb the pain through overeating, drinking, shopping, or casual hookups.
Because of the intense emotional impact, relationship loss is one of the most common reasons people seek therapy. Understanding the emotional response to a breakup and learning effective coping strategies can help individuals heal, regain balance, and move forward in a healthy way.
Why is relationship loss so difficult?
Getting over the break-down of a relationship can be particularly challenging when:
Your usual routine is disrupted. When you spent a lot of time with the person or did things together, such as engaging in the same hobbies, family events or work, a break-up can be especially disruptive because so many things change suddenly. In general, people do not like change. This dislike for change adds to the stress of a break-up. It can take time to develop a new routine without the person.
You face uneasiness about the future. When a person’s routine suddenly changes, they may face uncertainty about what their new life and routine will look like. Some have to make stressful decisions related to moving, allocation of property, custody etc. Having essential things up in the air is very difficult for most people.
Your identity is disrupted. When the person played a pivotal role in your life, such as when you are married or have kids together, the break-up can necessitate a change in identity. Changes to identity can be disruptive and require a significant adjustment while the person works to redefine who they are with no longer being that person’s partner or spouse.
Identity shifts can be especially salient for those who put a lot of emphasis or value on being in the relationship. For instance, some people give up old friends and interests when they enter a relationship and then when the relationship ends; they will find themselves having to redefine their life without the person.
Your expectations are shattered. Having a relationship break-down can be exceptionally painful if the relationship loss defies one’s expectations. For instance, if a person felt like the relationship had promise and was going to lead somewhere meaningful, they may feel especially crushed by the break-up.
A challenge to one’s expectations can lead to secondary distress where the person feels embarrassed or foolish for not seeing the break-up coming. Feeling caught off guard can activate one’s inner critic, which functions to rub salt in the wound as a relationship loss that is already painful intensifies.
Unmet expectations can also trigger painful issues related to loss of trust, which can make it difficult to trust other people and feel hopeful about new relationships.
You perceive having to give up dreams or commitments. When a break-up leads one to feel like they are giving up on dreams they had of marriage, family, or common goals, this can leave a person feeling extremely disappointed. The disappointment can lead to sadness and grief as one works through having to accept that things are not going as one had expected of hoped.
You feel rejected, unwanted or unloved. How we perceive the ending of a relationship can have a significant impact on how distressed we end up feeling over the break-up. Some people may be more prone to personalizing a break-up, which may lead to them feeling undesired or unloved, which is a harrowing experience. These feelings can make it harder to see past the relationship as they ignite fear about never finding a lasting connection.
You have felt rejected before. When the pain of the break-up feels familiar, perceptions of not being lovable or good enough can heighten a person’s distress. Past experiences with rejection can make a current break-up more painful because people who were previously hurt by a relationship still carry emotional wounds.
In essence, the past wounds can leave parts of the person carrying a burden of not feeling wanted or loved. When the more recent relationship ends, the person can be additionally flooded with these old unresolved wounds, which makes the current situation even more challenging to cope with.
Relationship break-ups can affect people in many different ways. The sensitive nature and complexity involved leads break-ups to be one of the more common reasons people come to therapy. People can experience a range of emotions from embarrassment, sadness to anger.
Given how painful relationship loss can be, how do people overcome these distressing feelings?
Unresolved feelings about the loss of a relationship can linger for a long time if left unattended to. It’s not uncommon for us to see people in our practise that are still trying to get over a relationship that ended years ago. Time does not necessarily heal all wounds. So how does one move on?
Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Barbera recommends these ways to help cope with a break-up:
1) Normalize and allow your feelings. Resist the urge to push your feelings away or fight or question your feelings.
2) Take time to heal and focus on self-nurturing & establishing a new routine. Try new things during this time. Explore and learn about yourself. Keep a routine. Eat well, exercise and build a new routine that includes good self-care.
3) Stay off of social media posts or reminders about the person or relationship. Remove them from your social media accounts if needed.
4) Don’t suffer with your feelings alone. Reach out to others, even a therapist
5) Resist the temptation to ruminate on what occurred and ways you might have acted differently.
If this is very difficult, set aside a specific time to let yourself think about the relationship each day and then the rest of the time, remind yourself that you will come back to those concerns. Stick with this, even if you have to continually catch and remind yourself to go back to those thoughts at a later time.
6) Avoid focusing on regrets about the relationship. Instead, use the relationship as a learning opportunity.
Viewing past relationships as opportunities to learn about ourselves and what is important to us for future relationships is a crucial way to cope with relationship loss.
Any time you go through a break-up, take time to reflect on questions such as:
-Do you notice any patterns or issues that arose in the relationship?
-Are there things that you did that contributed to problems in the relationship?
-Do you notice any patterns in the types of people or relationships that you are attracted to?
-We’re there needs you had in the relationship that you avoided expressing? What made you avoid expressing yourself?
-How do you react to stress and relationship conflict? Are there ways of responding that you would like to move towards?
-Did you learn anything about what is important to you in a relationship?
-How can you use the last relationship to guide you in choosing your next partner?
By reflecting on what your last relationship can teach you about what qualities are important to you, it can be easier to define and differentiate your “must-haves” from your “ideals.”
For instance, what are the characteristics (e.g., honesty, humour, patience, kindness, work-life balance, similar values or life goals) that you must have in a partner to feel happy and satisfied?
What qualities are just “ideals” or things that would be nice but may not be necessary to be happy (e.g., the person is handy, went to the same high school, is athletic, can cook etc.)?
Sometimes, despite effective coping strategies and important learning lessons, emotional closure may be needed to help a person fully let go and move on. Sometimes people struggle with how to get closure if they’ve been suddenly “ghosted,” or they no longer see or talk to the person. It can also be stressful if they feel continually distressed when they have to see the person.
It’s important to know that people really can get emotional closure without ever talking to the person again.
1) Write the person a letter. The letter does not actually need to be delivered. In the letter, state what you miss about them, how you are feeling about the relationship ending and what you feel disappointed or angry about. Expressing your needs is helpful for more fully identifying and processing the impact of the break-up.
2) Engage in your own “empty chair” dialogue. Place an empty chair in front of you and pretend that your ex is sitting there. Yes, it may sound silly, but experientially working through what the person did to you can really help to process and resolve the hurt feelings you feel stuck with.
While imagining that your ex is in the chair- express how you feel about what happened. Express all your feelings- the positive and the negative. State what you needed from them or wished had happened instead and fully express your disappointment that things didn’t match up to what you wanted or needed.
3) Focus on the distressed feelings you have about the relationship ending. Notice where you feel those feelings in your body. Consider that a part of you was really hurt by what happened, and this part of you still carries those feelings as an emotional burden. At the same time, this part of you can heal and unburden those feelings if you can be with that part of yourself in a state of compassion.
The process involves fully witnessing the feelings from a compassionate state. Once witnessed, offer that part of yourself a way to let go or unburden. Typical forms of unburdening include- imagining burning the feelings, washing them away with water, sending them into the wind, or any way that part of you chooses.
Most of the time people naturally respond to painful emotions by trying to push them away through distraction, numbing, denial, minimization etc. Avoidance of feelings leaves the part of you that is wounded stuck with those feelings.
The stuck feelings can then keep getting re-triggered every time someone reminds you of the relationship. By going to that part of yourself with compassion, curiosity and clarity, you can help release and let go of painful emotions, and this leads to emotional closure.
Emotional un-burdening is possible to do alone, but this process can be very challenging or overwhelming for some people. If you are not sure where to start or feel like you would benefit from some guidance, our therapists can help you.
Feel free to contact us with any questions you have or visit our online booking site to schedule an appointment.
